Mon 7/18/2011 12:41 pm. I know
how to record in the fabulous universally-beloved Beatmaker 2 iPhone app.
... And you probably don’t;
since, if you’re reading this, you’re probably a visitor from
a distant star who wandered here by accident....
Because everyone
else on EARTH knows how to record in beatmaker
2!!! ... Your mother
would know; your children,
of course, know — or if
they don’t, they will never tell.
... Because no one will ever tell.
... Not the Computer Music magazine
tutorial (7/11 page 67); not the manufacturer’s manual!!!
... Not the manufacturer’s FAQ;
not the manufacturer’s extensive forums! ... Not google; not bing.
...
Thousands of pages on the glory of beatmaker, and the cloud, and the
ithings, but not a penny for recording....
But now, I
know. ... You poke that round gray button next to the right triangle play
button. Everybody knows this because
that’s more-or-less the way reel-to-reel tape recorders worked around
5 million years ago (and I
know because I was there); and then cassette recorders. And every other
music machine in the world since then, as all youths and aged geezers
know — even me! ... Heck, even the beautiful precious H2
Zoom has a red record button!
But somewhere along the weary
way, the beatmakers forgot to color it
red —
as it always
was in all those other machines, and many still. ... So I thought it
was pause or something. And naturally I was afraid to experiment, for
fear of my iThing going up in smoke. ... This tragic greyness was due,
undoubtedly, to the world-wide red electron shortage. The valuable red
electrons were used in other
parts of the program — to record samples for instance — but
I guess,
tragically, there just weren’t enough to go around! ... Actually
I
can
vaguely recall when this evil thing befell the world, in the time of
the “Darth Vader” hi-fi ascendancy — which persists to
our era — where
all our control panels must be black, maybe with just a
trace of invisible silver marking here and there; because we’re so
cool. ... Somewhere in there someone thought the garish red button had
to go. And so it went. ... Although once I figured out I was supposed
to poke the thing, then it turns
red!
And this, incidentally, is how Apple makes money so unfairly. Their $5 garage band ipad app not only has a red button — spared no expense! — but almost certainly tells you how to use it, somewhere. ... But to be fair, it’s still as incomprehensible as Beatmaker. But costs $5 versus the $20 BM. All the fanboys and weenies at the Beatmaker site were whining (while I delved for esoteric knowledge there) about the promised iPad version you promised you promised! The calmer souls mentioned garage band, sotto voce. ... Which, to be absolutely certain, Apple hadn’t warned the poor Beatmakers about. And when the dread day arrived, Beatmaker 2’s iPad time was done; although it works very nicely on the iPad, in the magnified iphone mode. ... And Garage Band doesn’t work at all on the iphone, in any mode. ... So BM retains its niche; but no glory.
But now, I know how to make it record....
And just to prove how insideresque I am and all, a few weeks after I wrote this Beatmaker updated me — for free! — with a brand new copy which is in fact specially tarted-up for the ipad version. ... But the record button is still invisible....